“Seriously, guys, tell me that flying boat ride wasn’t amazing. It even had a pirate with an eye patch! A black pirate, but that is okay ’cause this is the future.”

So final summer, I decided to spice factors up simply because, frankly, you utilised to be way freakier just before we moved in together. This resulted in me writing horrible nerdy evaluations of Thor, X-Guys: Initial Class, Shit Lantern and Captain America: The Very first Avenger that would make Robert Ebert right away spawn a new jaw just so that a single could fall off in disbelief that someone really pays me to write words on the Net. Far more importantly, they gave Photo Boy and I an excuse to cut out early and consume burritos in the middle of the afternoon along with sharing our deep adore of cinema blah blah blah did I say place beans on that? I did not say place beans on that. So this summer time I’ll be tackling The Avengers, Prometheus, The Wonderful Spider-man and The Dark Knight Rises which I can currently tell you will be nothing at all but a picture of my erect penis with batwings taped to it finally earning me the Roger Ebert respect I so clearly deserve supplied he didn’t read that jaw joke earlier. Anyway…

The Shit That Worked:
- This trailer just before the film:

Granted by the time the selection was produced, Disney knew they’d essentially just printed themselves funds with The Avengers, I don’t know who the hell believed it’d be a good concept to let the new The Dark Knight Rises trailer run just before the film began since let me tell you what I was thinking about the whole time and still to this really second: The new The Dark Knight Rises trailer. Let me tell you what I wasn’t thinking about without actively forcing myself to so I can make dick jokes about Thor: The Avengers. Certain, it’s going to make The Dark Knight income, but letting that trailer run just made confident you knew that a Joss Whedon film and a Christopher Nolan film are two fully various experiences. One particular is a delicious craft beer served post-coitus in a chilled glass by the beautiful woman you just coited, the other is a serviceable knowledge of drinking a can of beer immediately after masturbating to World wide web porn.
- Mark Ruffalo. Finest Bruce Banner however.
- Tom Hiddleston‘s evil grin. There was just one thing perfectly menacing about it and he was just fucking fantastic once again as Loki largely since he had the whole movie to himself as opposed to Thor who literally gets left in a field at 1 point there’s so several characters crammed into this factor. I’m not even joking.

The Shit That Kinda Worked:
- [Ed. Note: I had a hard time deciding regardless of whether to put this a single here or in The Shit That Worked, but in the finish the movie was too "safe" and by the numbers to lack the nudge to go into Fuck Yeah! territory above simply because, Very good God, that Batman trailer.] The complete movie in common was an remarkable workout in setting low expectations than surprising the fuck out of everybody when everything seems to hum along fairly smoothly because, as early set photos showed, this thing had every thing going for it to become an Iron Man two-esque debacle. Scarlett Johansson wasn’t completely superfluous. (Although nonetheless horribly miscast as Black Widow. Seriously, all this component necessary was a tall, leggy, supermodel redhead with giant tits to say, “Tovarish Stark, are you vitting on me?” and then she shoots a negative guy in the dick. And if you want to say there’s a lot more to the Black Widow character than that, she’s banging Bucky in the comics now. Bucky. Your argument’s dead now. I killed it.) Captain America‘s new suit didn’t appear that poor largely because Joss Whedon made the wise choice to have him conveniently lose his mask a lot. The complete film did enough tap dancing to get the final income battle at the finish a.k.a. the element exactly where The Hulk pummels the shit out of fucking every little thing even though you wait for the plot to wrap up in a great neat small bow because every person needs to be back for the sequel.
- The dialogue. Like every factor else, totally serviceable – Save for Robert Downey Jr. who naturally ate each and every piece of scenery in his path, even though didn’t quite really feel as “on” as he did in the Iron Man flicks. You could tell he was just going via the motions, but nonetheless owned everybody in the area. – and at some points pitch-perfect until the team bickering went way overboard appropriate ahead of Loki’s program began. We get it, Joss Whedon, you like pithy quip fights.
- Thor‘s powers. I really tried not to think too significantly throughout this film, but it’s challenging to get a excellent frame of reference for Thor’s strength when one particular minute he’s wielding incredible lightning powers and being touted as a goddamn deity, then the subsequent Iron Man can toss him around like a rag doll even though Captain America’s shield can apparently deflect a mythical hammer that not even The Hulk can pick up. Very same goes with Loki, also a god, but apparently you can just punch him in the face. (Entertaining Fact: You know who you can not punch in the face? Steve Rogers’ Christian God. Largely because he doesn’t dress like a fag.)
- Nick Fury. This is not the fault of Samuel L. Jackson, but they seriously are not writing this character badass enough for these movies. Not even close. Nick Fury ought to have deceptions on top of deceptions on leading of you never know when he’ll turn around and spy-shoot you in the dick. This Nick Fury primarily acts tired/too old for this shit and dresses like he’s in The Matrix.
- The post-credit kickers. Personally I consider they should’ve flipped the two about due to the fact seeing [Person ONLY DORKS WILL RECOGNIZE] – Even though screw that dialogue unless advanced intergalactic species are genuinely that massive of pussies. – would’ve been a larger nerd payoff than the comedy kicker which was, admittedly, kind of funny though I’m personally offended Thor didn’t say his sandwich lacked peppercorn. I WILL Consume YOUR Kids, JOSS WHEDON.

The Shit That Shat:
- The space scenes with the Chitauri. Holy fuck, welcome to Power Rangers city. This film had some genuinely poor set pieces – The mountain scene with Thor and Loki getting yet another. – and this one particular was borderline Schumacher-esque.
- Immediately after you see the movie, think about Loki’s plan even though on the Triskelion. Now ask your self, didn’t his team that was already in location do all the operate anyway? And there’s your gaping plot hole.
- Almost each word out of Captain America’s mouth following the halfway mark. I recognize he’s supposed to be “old-fashioned,” you’re beat more than the head with that fact, but every single large speech by him is just god-awfully delivered to the point that you actually commence to think Chris Evans was the incorrect alternative. Seriously, each and every time he begins an order, “Alright, everyone up, listen up…” it’s like you are watching a parody of a war movie. “Alright, absolutely everyone, listen up, we’re outnumbered. We’re outmatched. This guy believed a fucking bow and arrow would be a fantastic idea – It’s referred to as a gun, dickface. Carry one particular. – but we’re going to hold this line even though Robot Man, Lightning Hammer and Shrek do all the function.”

Alright, sufficient nerd quibbling, here’s the bottom line: The Avengers was fun. Mindless, serviceable fun, but enjoyable nonetheless. I’m seeing a lot of critiques and comments of men and women touting it as the “best superhero movie” ever, but is certainly, without having a doubt, not that. It is surprisingly excellent and a pretty decent payoff if you have invested yourself in the Marvel motion pictures top up to it. Honestly, I nonetheless consider X-Males: First Class was a better film mostly since it was more of a compelling character study of Professor X and Magneto. This was, hey, we pulled off obtaining everyone together, now let’s have them punch the fuck out of shit and make snappy one particular-liners. Which there’s nothing incorrect with and if you’re hunting for just that, this film fucking has it although through set pieces and camera angles that will not compare to The Dark Knight Rises trailer that will sexify your eyeballs. So instead of giving it a score, here’s exactly where I’d rate it on enjoyment level compared to the flicks leading up to it:

1. Thor (I wasn’t entirely more than the moon on this 1 at 1st, but it is surprisingly the one particular I have the most enjoyable rewatching. I can’t explain it.)
2. The Avengers
3. Iron Man
4. Captain America
five. The Amazing Hulk
1,997. Iron Man two

You could now go berserk that I just ranked Thor the top rated movie which I’m surprised with myself and might or could not have to do with how bad I really feel about his portrayal in this movie. (Except when he punched Hulk with his hammer.) They left him in a field. And with nary a trace of peppercorn! Have you no soul?

Photographs: Splash News

The Superficial – Simply because You happen to be Ugly