Top Moments: Revenge’s Double Trouble and Conan’s Reformed Bear… Or Not
Our top moments of the week:
14. Biggest Hair-Raising Moment: Just when we had gotten kinda, sorta comfortable with the American Horror Story players — Dr. Charles makes Franken-babies, Constance is the worst mother ever, Rubber Man impregnates attractive homeowners — a mystery pair of hands make an unexpected debut in the Halloween night conclusion, creepily reaching out for young-and-in-love Violet’s leg. As if we didn’t watch this show from underneath a blanket already!
13. Toughest Choice: With Carl’s life hanging in the balance on The Walking Dead, Shane is forced to make an incredible sacrifice in order to get life-saving medical equipment back to Hershel’s farm. Shane realizes that he and Otis, who are dangerously low on ammo, will never both make it back alive. So Shane uses his last round to shoot Otis in the leg, leaving him to be zombie bait while Shane makes his escape. Carl’s still alive, but will Shane be able to live with what he’s done?
12. Best Growth: On Bones‘ Season 7 premiere, new couple (and expectant parents) Booth and Brennan tire of splitting time between their respective homes, but they quibble over where they will ultimately cohabitate. One potential future argument: Booth insists that he is going to wait for Brennan to ask him to get married. Guess after so many failed proposals, he’s learned his lesson!
11. Most Questionable Resourcefulness: When The Mentalist‘s Patrick Jane realizes that the serial killer the CBI is hunting is actually the blogger who has devoted his life to the case, he goes to morally gray lengths to bring him to justice. Because he doesn’t have enough proof to arrest the killer himself, Jane tricks his suspect into bad-mouthing Red John on television, knowing that it will anger Red John. Sure enough, Red John comes out of hiding and kills the blogger. Sure, Jane got another psychopath off the streets, but is he becoming a little too comfortable with murder?
10. Best Engagement Present: Too much is never enough for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Lisa Vanderpump. But when she throws her daughter a lavish, ranch-themed engagement party, it’s Kyle Richards who goes over the top, literally, when she mounts a table to show off her moves, including one hell of a split. Like we always say, wedding are always less about the couple and more about their parents and their friends — and their vaguely erotic gymnastic abilities.
9. Best Drive-By: A post-partum Kristina plans a fun family outing on Parenthood, but she can’t seem to get anyone in the mini-golf spirit. So she does what any overworked, sleep-deprived mother of three would do: She kicks her husband and two older children out of the minivan and drives off into the sunset. Now if she’d only left the baby with her husband, there could be a tequila sunset in her near future.
8. Saddest Reveal: After giving it much consideration, Rossi tells his first ex-wife, Carolyn, that he cannot help her die on Criminal Minds. Carolyn — knowing that he would say “no” — downed a bottle of pills before Rossi came over. She convinces him not to call for help and she collapses in his arms. “Do you think he will be there?” she asks. “I know he will,” Rossi replies. It turns out that “he” is Rossi and Carolyn’s son, James David Rossi, who was born and died on the same day in 1979. RIP, Carolyn and James.
7. Weirdest Way to Even the Score: Jess accidentally sees Nick naked on New Girl and laughs at his, uh, equipment, scarring the poor kid for life. In a super-awkward attempt to even the score, she waits in his bedroom, wearing only a towel, so Nick can get an eyeful of her cash and prizes. Except… Nick brings a date home. In a spectacular stumble, she realizes her mistake and runs from the room, knocking into a shelf and dropping her towel in the process. She’s doing sexy things with a shelving unit!
6. Worst Double Whammy: When Eli Gold’s ex-wife, Vanessa (a characteristically nutso Parker Posey), considers running for office on The Good Wife, he asks Kalinda to pry into her personal life to unearth any scandals. What he learns is hilariously shocking: Vanessa once slept with a “neutral” second cousin of Osama bin Laden (“Oh good, she banged a nice bin Laden!” he snarks). Unfortunately, he also learns that the dirty deed took place when they were still married. Prepare for jihad!
5. Slyest Blackmail: The apple doesn’t fall far from the Wilcox tree on Covert Affairs. Determined to change his fortune after being relocated to Phoenix in the summer finale, Jai engineers a deposition in the CIA leak investigation — and makes sure his disgraced pop and CIA leak Henry gets word of it. What’s a blackmailed dad to do? Henry, much to his chagrin, pulls “all” of his strings to secure a spiffy promotion for Jai. What does this new gig entail? Your guess is as good as ours, but at least Jai’s not pouting in the corner anymore.
4. Not Cut Out for It Award: During Top Chef‘s first cook-off for a spot in the 16-person cast, wannabe cheftestant Tyler volunteers to cut a piece of tenderloin off the pig subprimal for Grayson. Except he doesn’t know how to and recklessly hacks the tenderloin to shreds, leaving Grayson with a limp 3-ounce piece and a stupefied Tom Colicchio with no choice but to tell Tyler to pack his knives and go. “You’re a chef and that’s a basic skill,” Colicchio admonishes. “There’s no way that this is going to get through this round. And I think you should just leave now.” A smug Tyler isn’t too broken up about it: “[They] weren’t able to taste the expertly cooked porkchop, but I’m not too terribly worried because I know where I’m going, and that’s right to the top.” Hopefully he means the top of his class at butchering school.
3. Best Remix: Justin Bieber is caught in some baby mama drama right now, so leave it to impersonator extraordinaire Jimmy Fallon to spoof the whole situation on Late Night by spinning The Biebs’ signature hit, “Baby,” into “(It’s Not My) Baby” — complete with a rap interlude by The Roots’ Black Thought (as Ludacris, duh). Our favorite lyric: “You said we did it/And I’m a dad/My lawyer’s trippin’/'Cause this looks bad/You only said this/To get my cash/And now Selena Gomez is gonna kick my ass.” The impression is dead-on, although we do have one complaint: The Bieber swoop ‘do is so yesterday.
2. Most Delightful Return: A lot has changed in the 22 months since Conan O’Brien left NBC for TBS. Not just for him, but for the Masturbating Bear as well. Make that the Non-Masturbating Bear. While taping his talk show in New York this week, Coco gives us an update on his ol’ pal, who has apparently cleaned up his act, got a desk job, married, had kids and is living a suited-up suburban existence. “We’re so proud of you … but don’t you miss the limelight?” Conan asks him. “Here you are in front of 2,800 die-hard New Yorkers. You’re showing so much self-control, fighting every instinct in your body. This has got to be extremely difficult for you.” And it is. The Masturbating Bear rips off his suit — with an assist from Conan — and, much to our (and obviously his) delight, goes back to doing what he does best. Old habits die hard, right?
1. Best Ringer: On Revenge, we learn that “Emily Thorne” isn’t just Amanda Clarke’s pseudonym, it’s also the real name of her juvie cellmate, whom Amanda paid to swap identities. Out to uncover Fake Emily’s story, Frank locates Real Emily (guest star Margarita Levieva) at a strip joint and gets her to confess to the switcheroo. He phones Victoria to tell her the good news, but before he can tell her, Real Emily whacks him with a tire iron. She then shows up at Fake Emily’s house and tells her that Frank found out, but she took care of him, dumping him in a ditch on the side of the road. But is Frank really dead? Or is he just in a coma like Lydia? And how does Real Emily’s presence affect Fake Emily’s plan? Oh, why must you make us wait two weeks to find out, ABC?
What were your top moments?